Friend of the blog, C, came over this afternoon and we grubbed mightily on some sandwiches at a local place before a rest and then a big workout. I completed Week 6 tonight, which required me to run for 22 minutes. I wasn’t too worried. I had run 20 minutes before, what’s two more minutes?
APPARENTLY IT IS A LOT.
Around minute 6, I got a stitch in my side. Nothing severe. I kept running until the halfway mark – 11 minutes. Just under that is when I stopped, actually. I jumped off and bent over to catch my breath. Took a sip of water, paused my app so I could keep the run true to what it should be, and then I got back on to finish it off.
It was a freaking battle. I almost got off three or four times. Each time I scolded myself for wimping out and I kept running. Because I had paused my app but not the treadmill, the time was off so I wasn’t sure what my stop time would be until there was a minute left. I watched pretty much every second tick by and the second the app told me to start my cool down, I jumped off, grabbed my keys, and ran into the bathroom to throw up.
Y’all, I threw up. THAT WAS A GREAT RUN! I mean, I threw up but that was a great run. Then I had a good stretch with good friends on a beautiful evening by the pool. It was awesome.
But man, tonight was humbling.
I was nervous when I went to the gym today. I’m nervous when I start a new week because of the challenges it presents. Today I was on the third day of Week 5, and I was so nervous that I thought maybe I’d throw up before I even started running. Why was I so nervous? Because today was the first real challenge: a twenty minute run.
I’m a baby runner and a fat baby runner at that, so I’m slow and kind of awkward but when I passed the halfway mark, I started to see pieces coming together. I caught myself slacking, losing my form, not focusing a few times, but for the most part, I felt like I unlocked something. Something that got me through the end. Something that pushed me to run for 20 minutes.
I ran for twenty minutes.
I RAN FOR TWENTY MINUTES.
First of all, I’m sorry for my lack of activity! Life got a little bumpy there for awhile. They’re much better now and I’ve got new and exciting things going on…so I’m going to present you all with a cautionary tale. This tale goes for everyone, regardless of size!
So Wednesday night, I couldn’t sleep. I was pretty exhausted by the end of work. On top of it, I didn’t eat much during the day. My right knee had a twinge of pain off and on throughout the day, but I thought I had slept on it wrong a night or two before. When I got home from work, we went to the gym for our usual workout.
By the way, my usual workout training for Couch To 5K. I KNOW!!
Anyway, I get through the first run & walk for this week. Then I got to the first long run. It was brutal. I draped my hoodie over the display so I couldn’t see how much time was left. I dug and dug and dug until it was over. I finished the three minute run at 5.1 (4.6 duration, 5.1 30 sec sprint). The following long walk seemed SO short. Then I had to run the short time again. It was terrible! My brain was fuzzy, I couldn’t catch my breath, and my form had taken a huge nose dive. I debated doing the last run while I did the short walk.
And then like an idiot, I started running for three more minutes.
I had to hold onto the treadmill. I had to do more than hold onto the treadmill. I had to cling to it for dear life. Something just wasn’t right. I stepped off and kind of collapsed against the treadmill. I took a sip of water and tried to jump back on. I couldn’t get more than 2 or 3 more seconds in and I stepped off again, and this time it seemed involuntarily. I was mad at myself. I was exhausted, pushed WAY too far, and all I could do was lean over and cry on the treadmill.
UGH. Just goes to show that no, you cannot skimp on sleep and you cannot skimp on food. These are hard lessons to learn.
We’ve received our first piece of encouragement! And it was from Marilyn Wann. HOLY CRAPBALLS! I nearly peed myself when I saw her email in my inbox. I mean, Marilyn was my first real exposure to fat acceptance and helped me on my journey to this moment in my life. To say this is a big deal is putting it mildly. Marilyn Wann y’all!
She introduced me to a number of sites, but I’ve only had time to really explore one: Fit Fatties. I’m still new and finding my way around the site but I’d highly recommend signing up! It looks like a great resource. I also stumbled across a blog today that I already love: Two Fat Chicks Doing Yoga. Y’all, I love it. Go check them out!
Trigger warning: body image, dieting
What better inaugural post to make on this blog than one about motivation? Cuz that’s where I am right now. I’ve been here for a few weeks and I’ve been able to fight it off, but the past couple of days have been particularly difficult. It’s a struggle to put on a workout – any workout – and it’s a struggle to get through it. I only give about 40% because that is as much concern as I can muster, and only giving 40% means I don’t enjoy the workout at all, which means I’m less inclined to do it the next day.
I’m not sure if my fatty exercise brethren have experienced this before, but the old, bad ways of thinking are creeping into my head. I have to do something to offset the days when I don’t workout or don’t workout as hard. If I stop now, things will never change.
That’s all crap. The only thing I have to do to offset the days when I don’t workout or don’t workout as hard is to find a new activity I’ll enjoy, which will snap me out of my indifference. And if I stop now, I’ll just be wasting all this muscle, strength, and endurance I’ve built up and that is what I don’t want to lose. Inches don’t matter. Pounds don’t matter. But I’ve gotten accustomed to how my body feels now and I don’t want to give that up. So I have to find a way to push through the boredom and lack of motivation. I have to find a way to steer my brain away from the negative (I can’t do this, I don’t want to do this, this activity is pointless, etc.) and trick my body into ignoring that little voice in my head when I am in the middle of a workout.
This is my game plan:
- Build on my collection of belly dance videos (you’ll discover my obsession with belly dance soon enough),
- Scour the internet for other fun routines to add to my rotation, and
- Don’t panic
What about you? How do you snap yourself out of this place?